Waves of Goodbye.

I named this blog Waves of Goodbye because that’s what grief feels like to me.

Some days it’s calm and I can breathe.

Other days it knocks me down and I can’t find my way back up.

My dad spent his life on the water.

He was a tugboat captain.

Strong, steady, always in control.

I used to think nothing could take him down.

But there were storms inside him that I didn’t see, ones he couldn’t fight through.

When he died, everything in me broke.

I lost my dad, my best friend, my safe place.

I still wake up some days and can’t believe he’s really gone.

There’s guilt that sits heavy in my chest.

There are questions I’ll never get answers to.

But there’s also love that never left.

It shows up in small ways, like the sound of the ocean or a butterfly that lands too close to ignore.

Waves of Goodbye is my way of keeping him with me.

It’s where I try to make sense of the pain and talk about what it’s like to live after losing someone to suicide.

It’s messy and real and full of love I’ll carry for the rest of my life.

Grief doesn’t go away. It just changes.

Some days it’s softer.

Some days it isn’t.

But I’m learning how to live with it.

One wave at a time.